You want what is best for your parents, and you worry that they need additional help. Your parents believe that they’re managing just fine on their own.
So, Who decides?
First of all, you need to consider whether your parents are cognitively well and capable of making sound decisions. A “sound decision” is not necessarily a decision you agree with—two people of sound mind can arrive at different decisions!
Capacity to make decisions is based upon someone’s ability to understand the choices with which they are faced, and the consequences of their decisions. For example, as an adult with capacity, you are aware that your chance of winning the lottery is very limited, and yet you choose to spend your hard earned money on a lottery ticket. Someone could say that is an unwise decision because the consequences are not in your favour; however, you understand the risk involved and the likelihood that you will not win. The reason that minors are not permitted to gamble is that they do not fully understand the consequences of their decisions. As a capable adult, you are permitted to make decisions that others might judge to be unwise, but it is your prerogative to do so.
Your parents have the same right. If they have the capacity—meaning they understand their options, and they understand the risk associated with those options—they are entitled to make decisions.
My parents won’t face reality — they won’t decide anything!
While it might appear that your parents aren’t planning because they aren’t changing anything, they might just be sticking with the status quo because they aren’t aware of all possible options. You feel that your parents require more help—have you suggested various sources or types of assistance?
It is possible that your parents view the decision as a dichotomy—living at home and “getting by” as they always have, versus complete institutionalization in a nursing home. While these may be two possible options, there is a myriad of other options that fall somewhere in between!
Help educate your parents on some of the options for assistance that won’t feel like such extremes. If your parents are cognitively well, it is their right to choose the type of care that they feel will best meet their current needs. Engaging your parents in the research and ensuring that they feel in charge of their own decisions will ease the process. When your parents realize that you’re not just trying to force them out of their beloved home (as so many seniors fear!), they might be more open to alternate care options.
To start your research journey, you can learn about some homecare options that emphasize health and wellness.
Are you doing everything for your elderly parents?
Thursday, January 24, 2019
You’ve been managing your own household, your parents’ household and now your in-laws need some help too. You already feel stretched too thin, and your parents’ needs keep increasing. You need homecare support for your parents, but they refuse to even consider it.
Your father says he “doesn’t need a babysitter” and your mother declares that she can “do everything just fine myself”. And by that, what she really means is that you are doing everything just fine for them!
Your parents think they’re managing just fine because you’re filling in all the gaps. They don’t realize just how much you’re doing. They just benefit from the fact that everything gets done.
For years, you’ve been trying to follow your parent’s wishes. You respect their decisions and do your best to help support them in those decisions. They keep saying they don’t want or need any help and you’ve been trying to respect it.
The problem is, they not only need the help, but they are also already receiving help. The help is coming from you, and it’s now more than you can manage on your own. It is okay to acknowledge that you can no longer provide all the assistance that they need. You aren’t failing to respect their decision, you are making a decision that is necessary for your own health and wellness.
You can explain to your parents what you are able to do, and outline the tasks that are now becoming too much. You can outline options for how your parents can fill the remaining gaps and empower them to make a decision that best suits their needs.
For example, you are willing to do the weekly grocery shopping and visit with your parents after putting all the groceries away, but it is no longer feasible for you to be cooking dinner for them every day.
You can then outline meal options for them. They could order Meals on Wheels or another meal delivery service. They could move into a retirement home where meals are provided. They can have a caregiver cook meals together with them in their own kitchen, using their own preferred recipes.
You can help outline the pros and cons of each option, and how each option would fit into their lifestyle.
Stepping back and acknowledging what you need for yourself does not take away your parents’ ability to make their own decision. It just eliminates one of the options from the list—the option of you cooking the meals daily.
As long as you continue to be the primary option, as long as you continue to cook dinner daily, your parents will not seriously consider any other option on the list. You need to clearly articulate what you can and cannot do, and then guide your parents through the decision making process about how to solve the remaining gaps.
Homecare can address many of those gaps and provide the individualized attention and assistance they are accustomed to receiving. Homecare is not always just about the senior client; it is often about alleviating family members who have been doing far more than is sustainable.
A wonderful caregiver—or team of caregivers—can take care of your parents’ to-do list so that it doesn’t all fall on your shoulders.
You’re worried about your parents and you think they could use more help. You suggested homecare, but they wouldn’t hear of it. They told you: “we’ve managed just fine on our own this long, we don’t need any help.”
What they’re really saying is that they don’t want to face change.
That’s because change is scary.
Change is scary for all of us, at some level. Each person has a different tolerance for change, and it might take a lot more change to scare some people than others. But if you introduce a drastic enough change, eventually, any of us would feel trepidation about that change.
It’s little wonder then, that for seniors in their 80’s or 90’s, the thought of even a small change can be quite scary. After eight or nine decades, they are likely pretty set in their ways. They want things done a certain way; they want to keep their environment the same. As long as everything remains the same, it feels more manageable. It might help your parents to understand that homecare is all about reducing the amount of change that your parents will experience.
Warm Embrace Caregivers are trained to match each client’s specific preferences.
Caregivers DO NOT barge into a client’s home and just take over. Caregivers DO wait to be invited in, and they ASK permission to proceed. They ask how that particular client prefers the laundry or housekeeping to be done. They cook from the client’s recipes or directions to match their particular tastes. They help to keep clients’ lives consistent.
Homecare is one of the best prevention strategies to one of the biggest possible life changes: admission to a long term care home. Moving to long term care is a HUGE change—absolutely every single element of someone’s routine is changed. From the time they get out of bed, to when they eat, and whether they wear pyjamas to breakfast—everything is adjusted to match the schedule of the long term care home.
Homecare ensures that individual clients maintain their own personal routine, they maintain their home, they maintain familiar comforts. Caregivers match clients, rather than clients matching caregivers. It reduces the amount of change they must experience.
Since homecare is completely client-focused, each client calls the shots. The client decides what they’re doing each day and how they want things done and in which order. It is very empowering for seniors to get to make all the decisions that impact their own day-to-day living. Homecare grants this level of autonomy and independence.
Help your parents to see that homecare will ensure the least amount of change and help them to maintain the lifestyle that they know and love.
What do you get for the grandparent or senior who already has everything? The great-grandparents are even harder to shop for! What is the perfect gift for someone who is 80+? Different gifts are ideal depending upon where someone lives. Here are two gift list ideas to suit different living situations.
4 IDEAS FOR SENIORS LIVING AT HOME
If your 80+ relative is living independently at home (either a house, condo, or apartment), then the best gifts you can give them are practical items that will prolong their independence. Your loved one is likely very focused upon remaining at home for as long as possible; any gift you give that helps in achieving that goal is a good idea.
Here are some suggestions
1. Gift Certificates for property maintenance. The physically demanding activities of home maintenance are likely difficult, so provide your loved one with a gift certificate for regular home maintenance chores such as snow shovelling, grass cutting, garden upkeep, window washing, etc.
2. Homemaking and Household Assistance. Out-door house maintenance is not the only area of challenge for the elderly. Household chores can also become quite onerous. Your loved one will greatly appreciate a gift certificate for housekeeping.
3. Assistive Devices. Assistive devices can include a whole range of products to help with any variety of needs. There are specially designed items for challenges such as hearing impairment, sight impairment, weakness following a stroke, dexterity, memory loss, etc. You might be surprised at some of the items available for purchase at your local assistive devices store. Your loved one will truly appreciate this gift if they have already acknowledged challenge in a particular area.
4. Transportation. Many elderly seniors no longer have a licence and no longer drive. No access to transportation can be isolating, especially in the winter months. Providing your loved one with pre-paid driving options ensures that they will not be home-bound when the winter weather hits. Warm Embrace caregivers are pleased to drive your loved ones wherever they need to go.
4 IDEAS FOR THOSE LIVING IN NURSING HOMES
If your loved one lives in a retirement home or long-term care centre, then different gifts might be more appropriate. Their personal quarters are much smaller, so they do not have space to keep many belongings. Here are some ideas that won’t take up too much space but will still bring a smile on Christmas day.
1. Window Ornaments. Glass window ornaments are pretty to look at, and cast a cheerful glow when the sun is shining. There may not be much shelf space available for knick-knacks, but adding a personal touch to the window doesn't take up any additional space.
2.Personal Items. Residents in long-term care use their own preferred personal care items such as hand soap, lotion, toothpaste, etc. A care package of your loved one’s favourite items is always appreciated! The scent is strongly linked with memory and emotion; selecting a favourite scent can induce positive memories.
3. Blanket or Lap Quilt. Having a cozy item such as a small blanket or lap quilt is always comforting. It can be left on the bed or on a chair in your loved one’s room. If recognition of new items is difficult for your loved one, a blanket on the bed implies its purpose in a way that new clothing items do not.
4. Companionship. Providing your loved one with on-going visits is probably the best gift you could offer. Warm Embrace provides Companion Aides to long-term care centers across the region. Companion Aides visit one-on-one with residents and can take them on personal outings into the community. They provide mental and social stimulation, as well as an opportunity for physical activity. This is a gift that keeps on giving long after the holiday season!
FOR SENIORS LIVING ANYWHERE:
Triple Vitality. This gift is suitable for someone living in retirement or long-term care, as well as those still living in the community. Triple Vitality is a proactive approach that focuses on three areas of health—physical fitness, mental stimulation, and social interaction. By maintaining strength and functioning in each of these areas, people maintain independence and enjoy an increased quality of life.
If you just have questions about the above list of gift ideas, please don’t hesitate to call. We love to know that the seniors in this area will have a meaningful holiday season!
These are great ideas. Thank you so much! I also wanted to say if you have clients in need of Foot Care, Basic or Advanced (diabetics etc.) I offer this service in Listowel, Milverton, Rostock, Stratford and some in Cambridge areas. Foot Care is a great gift for the elderly as well. :)
You know your mother needs assistance, but she refuses to even consider it. She insists that she doesn’t want to lose her independence. You’re frustrated because you’re trying to be proactive and prevent a crisis, but your mother won’t hear of it.
Be reassured! You are not alone! Your mother is not the first senior to bristle at the notion of receiving help. In fact, most of our homecareclients here at Warm Embrace started out exactly like your mother—Estelle sure did. Estelle started out adamantly insisting that she didn’t need or want any help at all.
I can hardly blame Estelle for resisting help. Very few people are quick to put up their hand and say “yes, I need help”—and that is true at any age. Our North American culture places a high value on independence, and many people tend to define that as “doing everything myself.”
Estelle rejected homecare because she was afraid that if she can’t do it all herself, then she won’t be considered independent. In her mind, that would mean being one step away from a dreaded nursing home.
We define independence differently. We believe that independence doesn’t mean that you do it all yourself; instead, independence means that you get to choose how everything is done. Independence means that you’re the boss. You make your own decisions. It doesn’t mean you physically do everything; it means you have control in how it is done.
Homecare doesn’t take away a senior’s independence. In fact, it often does the opposite. It often grants senior more independence.
Estelle did not lose her independence, and that’s probably why she now adores her two favourite caregivers. Estelle did not lose anything; she gained.
Estelle benefited from:
Gaining two new best friends
Enjoying stimulating conversation
Eating healthy meals and having more energy
Re-establishing her social connections because her caregivers can drive her to events
More physical activity by keeping up with her caregivers—instead of just sitting watching TV
Improved sleeping patterns since she’s no longer napping all day out of boredom
Your mother could benefit from homecare just as much as Estelle. Your mother can go from just barely surviving to actually thrive.
What NOT To Do:
When you mention the idea of homecare or introducing a caregiver, don’t highlight what your mother can’t do. Don’t point out all the activities she’s no longer managing, even though it may seem obvious and glaring to you.
Do NOT point out that:
She has lost her licence and no longer drives
The only healthy meals she eats are the leftovers you bring
She hasn’t been to a social event in six months
Her housekeeping standards are slipping
What To DO:
Highlight all of the gains your mother will benefit from when she has a wonderful new caregiver in her life. Point out how her life will be even better.
DO point out that:
She can now go anywhere she likes without worrying about calling a cab
She can go to social events and visit friends she hasn’t seen lately
Her caregiver will be a new friend with whom to play scrabble
She will enjoy having a visitor in the lonely winter months when she doesn’t usually get out
Even when you’re out of town, she’ll still have a consistent visitor
She will be the boss and SHE gets to decide what she does, together with her caregiver
When seniors see that they are not giving anything up, they are not losing anything, they are more receptive. Seniors are often keen to accept new friends and live life more fully.
Help your mother to see all that she stands to gain, and the conversation may be easier. We’ve helped countless families through the exact same struggle you’re experiencing, and we can make suggestions specific to your situation. Call us for more ideas!
A senior benefits from homecare by suddenly eating better meals and that senior now has more energy to independently manage more tasks. Another senior might benefit from our accompanied transportation and now that senior can attend all the activities and functions she once enjoyed. She is regaining her life back; she is not losing independence!
When seniors recognize what they can gain from homecare, they are more receptive. They are gaining a new friend who will ensure that they enjoy each day and live it to the fullest.
The good news is, we managed to win them over and now they are clients who absolutely adore their caregivers and can hardly imagine life without Warm Embrace.
You’re sitting in the doctor’s waiting room, watching the clock, waiting for your mother’s medical tests to finally be over. Mentally you’re calculating whether you have enough time to drive your mother home, pick up some groceries, and cook dinner for your teenager. . . or will you be ordering pizza yet again tonight?
If this scene feels at all familiar to you, then you’re likely one of the 712,000 Canadians who fit into the infamous “sandwich generation”. The sandwich generation generally applies to those in their 40’s to 60’s who are simultaneously caring for their aging parents as well as their growing children.
Advances in healthcare are allowing people to live longer lives, though not necessarily healthier lives. The end of one’s life may include more intensive care, further demanding the time and energy of the sandwich generation who is caught between their parents and children. The increased life expectancy has led to another possibility—the club sandwich generation. The club sandwich refers to people who are assisting their aging parents, while also being involved in their children’s, and grandchildren’s lives.
Four living generations is no longer a rare scenario.
It is now possible for families to have two generations who are both in their senior years at the same time! The club sandwich can also apply to someone who is in her 40’s who has teenagers at home, while also assisting her 68 year old parents and her 92 year old grandparents. A woman in this situation is caring for two senior generations simultaneously, while also raising her own family.
Add to this the pressures of work, marriage, personal life, volunteer commitments, and personal health—no wonder there is concern about the sandwich generation suffering burn-out! Often people feel that they should be able to manage all of the simultaneous caregiving because previous generations managed to do so. In reality, previous generations did not experience the sandwich generation phenomenon to the same degree, and they certainly did not experience club sandwich generations!
Recognizing the unique challenges faced by today’s sandwich generation will help to alleviate guilt and replace the sense of “I should be able to do this” with “where can I find meaningful assistance?". Acknowledging that you cannot do it all alone and that you deserve assistance is the first step. There are services available to help so that you don't have to this all alone!
Caring for your own health and well-being is crucial!
Managing to eat healthy meals, and getting exercise needs to be a personal priority, not just something to do if you have time left over—because there is never time left over. If you are feeling completely stressed and burned out, you are in not in the best condition to care for loved ones.
Intead, think about accepting homecare assitance so that you are able to lead a balanced lifestyle that cares for you too! Put support systems in place to assist you in caring for your parents and grandparents. A loving companion aide might be just the solution to support your parents while caring for your health at the same time.
With support systems set in place, you can avoid being toasted, and enjoy as many of your “sandwich” years as possible!
When asked “how much do you exercise?” the answer is invariably “not enough!” We know that we should exercise more, but do we know what the consequences are if we fail to exercise regularly?
Lack of physical activity is a risk factor for heart disease and stroke(as well as other many other illnesses such as diabetes and even dementia). It is a risk factor that we have control over, so we should reduce our risk!
How much exercise do we really need?
The official guidelines from the Canadian Society for Exercise Physiology recommend a minimum of 150 minutes per week of aerobic physical activity. That’s it! That’s an attainable goal—within reach, even for people who aren’t accustomed to exercise. Even 10 minute increments of activity count toward the total of 150 minutes.
Of course, 150 minutes doesn’t need to be a limit. More activity is even better. The guideline is a base limit for how much activity adults (middle age, baby boomers, seniors, and even the frail elderly) require each week.
Which activities count toward your 150 minutes?
The good news is that going to the gym is not your only option! Walking is a simple and easy heart-healthy activity, and counts toward your minutes. Even household activities can count—vigorous cleaning, gardening and yard work all elevate your heart rate and get your blood pumping, and that’s the goal of physical activity!
I find it encouraging to measure exercise in terms of 150 minutes weekly because it allows for flexibility. In contrast, if you measure exercise as ’30 minutes most days of the week’, the focus is on 30 minute intervals, and missing a few days in a week can feel like overall failure.
For the frail seniors who are utilizing our Triple Vitality program, they appreciate the flexibility in measuring total minutes over the course of a week. Ten-minute increments feel very accessible. Frail seniors can manage 10 minutes of light exercise! Thirty minutes may be out of reach when we first start, but 10-minute activity sessions throughout the day add up quickly!
Our clients are so encouraged by the progress that they experience. You can feel the benefits of exercise very quickly. Increased energy and stamina, renewed interest in activities, reduced stress, better sleeping and digestion, are all immediate benefits to exercise. Knowing that you are contributing to improved overall health and reducing your risk factors for heart disease, stroke, diabetes, and other illnesses only increases the incentive to continue being active!
Be sure to track your minutes of activity this week and see how close you are to the recommended minimum of 150 minutes. Remember that 10 minutes of activity at a time can count toward your total!
If you know someone who is elderly and they are unsure about how to become active, be sure to contact Warm Embrace. Our Triple Vitality program is specifically designed for the frail elderly who need assistance to become active. We love to make a healthy, proactive difference in people’s lives, regardless of age!
thank you for the email.. it has been quite some time since I received your emails. I found this exercise information interesting. I just started the wellness program for diabetics at the Y and am slowly getting more active again.
One of the greatest honours I have in my position at Warm Embrace Elder Care, is to witness the lives of our incredible clients, and to be invited into their lives at such an important moment. I am frequently astounded at all the challenges my elderly clients have overcome, and their subsequent life view.
Witnessing love that has developed over a 65 year marriage is phenomenal. I recently met a couple who is in their mid-eighties and is approaching their 66th wedding anniversary. I marveled at the feat and asked how they had initially met.
She was 19 and he was 22 years old. He arrived late to a dance, and just as he was arriving, she was packing up to leave. He thought she was the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen, and he overcame his usual shyness and requested a dance with her. She conceded, and they danced the night away. Sixty-five years later, that couple is still waltzing through life together.
How incredible! As very young adults, they were attracted to each other, and then created love out of that union. The gentleman told me that: “she was so beautiful that I thought I loved her. I didn’t even know what love was yet! It is now that I truly love her. I love her more and more each year.”
To be in the presence of such enduring love, such dedication and loyalty, is truly humbling. In today’s world, young people in their late teens and early twenties feel they don’t know themselves yet, much less have the ability to truly know someone else. Today’s young generation wait to “fall” in love and find a “perfect” partner. The generation that married 65 years ago had a totally different approach. They found a partner with whom they could connect, and they determined to create love and create a life together. Quitting wasn’t an option; when trouble arose, they faced it together and created a solution.
The couple was curious about my fascination with their 65-year marriage. They don’t view it as being extraordinary in anyway; I was clearly impressed. I explained how there are entire sections of bookstores dedicated to self-help guidance on relationships, love, and marriage. They guffawed and thought that was ridiculous; then the woman said: “I’m not saying it was always easy. It wasn’t. We had our troubles just like anyone else. But we made a promise to each other, and we’re people who keep our word. So when it got tough, we just decided to keep going and wait for the feeling of love to return. Sure enough, it did!” I teased her that with advice as simple and straightforward as that, she might put the relationship section of the bookstore out of business!
These two marvelous people are so interconnected that they almost operate as one. They’re beyond finishing each other’s sentences; it seems they sometimes communicate without even saying a word!
They know each other’s likes and dislikes right down to the correct teaspoon served with afternoon tea. They can only recollect being apart for a handful of nights their entire marriage.
Now, life has become just a little more challenging, and living together at home requires some assistance. What an honour it is for us to provide the caregiving this couple needs to remain at home together.
I can’t imagine how difficult it would be for this couple to be split up if one person were sent to a nursing home and the other remained at home. They can’t even fathom it! Thank goodness home care allows them to remain together, and allows their touching love story to continue.
They tell me that this is the final chapter of their love story. With all the adversity this couple has faced and survived, I wouldn’t be surprised if they celebrated their 70th and 75th wedding anniversaries! I’m so privileged to witness and be inspired by this enduring love.
If you have a story of Enduring Love, please share it with us! We love to hear inspiring love stories!
Chloe such a beautiful love story. So nice that you and your staff can help this couple to stay in their home. Our family will never forget what you did to help our parents. Mike and Bernadette Reitzel.
It’s no secret that the holiday season has become increasingly complicated with a heavy focus on commercialism—lots of shopping, busy malls, huge meals, many parties...the list goes on. While some people may enjoy making detailed desserts that look like a Martha Stewart display, many others find it stressful. When did all this pressure become the norm?
If you ask your grandparents what Christmas used to be like, I’ll bet they would tell you a different story. If they were of the generation that lived through the depression era, you can be certain that there was very little—if any—Christmas shopping to be done.
Instead, the focus was on being together with loved ones, and participating in activities together. Rather than rushing around trying to have everything in perfect order before family arrived, the focus was on doing things together as a family. Decorations were much simpler, but usually included extended family members. Popcorn was strung and used as a garland hung outside for the birds to enjoy. Fruit featured prominently in
décor—orange peels were used creatively as little baskets, or peels were dried and cut into shapes.
These simple traditions are low-cost and allow everyone to focus on quality time together, rather than individually rushing about stressing about fancy décor. Perhaps this year you can slow down the pace of the holiday season and revert to some time-honoured traditions from your grandparents’ era. What a special tribute for your grandparents or great-grandparents this holiday season!