It’s easy to assume that every family but yours is a Hallmark family—you know, the families for whom all those rosy greeting cards are written. You stand in the aisle at the greeting card store, reading card after card, thinking “who is this stuff written for?” You step back and assume that everyone else’s family must match the Hallmark ideal. . . otherwise, who buys all those cards?
Then you go home and watch Modern Family or Keeping up with the Kardashians just to feel normal again. At least your family isn’t as messed up as THAT! No wonder people binge-watch series about messed up families or reality television series full of exaggerated drama. Compared to all that, your family is golden!
After more than a decade of helping families who are in the throes of family caregiving or a health crisis, I can tell you this—there is no such thing as a Hallmark family. There are no Cleavers or Brady Bunches. Every family has its ups and downs, its complexities and its dramas. Every family has an image they present to the world, and that image is usually different than the comprehensive version that emerges if you could see all the nuances.
In the world of eldercare, we see this all the time.
A health crisis occurs—a hip fracture, a fall, a hospital admission, a diagnosis of dementia—and cracks start to appear. A health crisis puts a strain on the entire ecosystem of a family; it can ripple across generations, affecting everyone to varying degrees.
It’s like the old saying—“when you get bumped what’s on the inside comes out.”
It isn’t uncommon for old patterns to emerge, or childhood woes to resurface, or grudges and resentments be dredged out. It’s exactly this type of stuff that makes families complex and entirely unique—and nothing like the fantasy world of The Brady Bunch.
Of course, these emotionally draining issues are utterly exhausting, which further reduces your resiliency to deal with the crisis at hand. Later you’ll look back and think “why couldn’t I just keep my mouth shut?” or “that wasn’t the right battle to choose….what was I thinking?”
You weren’t thinking, you were just responding emotionally—and so was everyone else in the situation. It’s easy to look back and edit what should have been said and done, but at the moment, through the fog of high emotions, lack of sleep, uncertainty, confusion and exhaustion, things are said and done by various members of the family. Next thing you know, it feels like there’s drama!
Through it all, you may be relieved to know, that your family is not that crazy after all! In fact, you’re probably more normal than you think. If normal means standard, regular, average then your family IS normal by having complex dynamics because every other family also has complex dynamics. There are no Hallmark families, so stop worrying about trying to attain that status. Acknowledge the absurdities that make your family what it is, and aim to work with those absurdities—rather than hiding them—to find your way moving forward.
Even families who appear strong and tight-knit, devoted and loyal to each other with abundant love and joy—even those remarkably blessed families have their unique dynamics that are rattled under the pressure of a health crisis.
If you’re really lucky, the glowing version that you present to the world may not be too far off the real version. Years go by—maybe even a decade or two—and you’ll believe that façade has become the reality. Beware though, when a crisis emerges, so do the cracks in the façade.
Are you hosting any holiday gatherings where you have invited elderly relatives who have health conditions? You have probably already thought about accessibility accommodations such as helping them into your home and ensuring they have access to a bathroom. Those elements are very important and should not be overlooked.
Another element that should not be overlooked is how to make the overall
environment more manageable for your elderly loved ones, especially when there are health conditions to consider.
If someone has a chronic illness such as CHF or COPD, they may fatigue very quickly and need an opportunity to rest.
If someone has edema in their feet or legs (swelling) they may need a chance to sit with their legs elevated.
A stroke survivor may find the environment overstimulating and may need relief.
Someone with dementia may need some peace and quiet and a break from the noisy environment.
Hearing aids may blur the sounds into a din so that individual voices are difficult to discern, and someone with hearing loss may need an auditory break.
To help facilitate these needs and more, you can create a Quiet Zone for your holiday gathering.
Part of the beauty of a Quiet Zone is that it can meet the needs of so many different health conditions. It is one solution that actually meets numerous needs simultaneously. It may even be appealing to younger family members too!
A Quiet Zone is a space dedicated to quieter interaction and less stimulation. Ideally, the Quiet Zone would be a separate room, but if that’s not possible, then a nook or area that can be allocated as the Quiet Zone.
The Quiet Zone should be less stimulating than the environment of the main event. If there are Christmas carols blasting on repeat in the dining room, the Quiet Zone does not have any music. If the Christmas tree in the living room has blinking lights and a miniature train set zooming past, the Quiet Room has steady, ambient lighting that isn’t distracting.
While the main event likely includes loud chatter, many people speaking at once, laughing, and loud voices to be heard over the din, the Quiet Zone is where people can have one-on-one conversations that can be more easily heard and understood. For relatives of any age, the chance to step away from the noise and engage in a more in-depth one-on-one conversation might be a welcome relief.
Someone who tires easily in a crowded room of people might appreciate the relief of settling into the Quiet Room. Other guests can then take turns, one at a time, visiting within the Quiet Room. This way, everyone is supported to be part of the family gathering, but they can participate in a way that matches their individual needs. Having a space to retreat may allow people to reserve their physical and mental energy to join the group for dinner.
The Quiet Room makes it possible to have a quick cat-nap if needed. Giving the brain an extra boost of sleep can make the difference between enjoying the rest of the event, and just feeling overwhelmed and overstimulated. Family members who are stroke survivors or who have dementia will particularly appreciate the opportunity to have a power nap.
When the brain has been impacted by stroke or dementia, part of the brain may not be working the way it once did. The remaining parts of the brain are functioning on overdrive to compensate for the losses. Those over-active brain areas tire easily and benefit enormously from rest. A Quiet Room creates the space and permission to invite such guests to rest their brains when they need it most.
This holiday season, consider creating a Quiet Room for large family gatherings. The Quiet Room will be a retreat space to ensure that all your guests find the event manageable and can enjoy it fully.
Humans are wired to be busy, to be productive, to be doing something. Even when we are intentionally taking a break, we have to consciously remind ourselves to relax and not default to our busy-mode. This drive and desire to be productive is deeply ingrained, and for people who have heeded the productivity call their entire lives, it is a well-worn feedback loop. They feel the need to be productive, so they remain constantly busy, and the fruits of their labour are the visible reward for being constantly busy.
What happens when dementia interrupts that feedback loop?
When someone’s dementia has progressed, he has a harder time remembering how to do activities he did his entire life. George, a gentleman who enjoyed woodworking and fixing things around the house may no longer understand how to use his tools. He gets started on a task, and partway through forgets what he was doing, leaving a wake of unfinished projects behind him.
His desire to continually work on things around the house does not go away. His drive for productivity and doing something meaningful and important will far outlast his ability to operate his tools. George was never one to sit and relax, instead, he was always working away on something, and that desire can carry on even as his dementia progresses.
The fact that George can no longer successfully fix broken household items will not prevent him from trying to do so. In fact, he may be inclined to ‘fix’ items that he is certain are ‘broken’ because he’s now having trouble operating household appliances. Frustrated relatives might try to insist “just sit down and relax!” but since that was never in George’s nature, it’s unlikely he’ll be settled for long. George’s brain is sending him the signal to be productive. He has a strong sense that he should be doing something, he’s just not sure what that something is.
When George cannot easily find a task that meets his need to be productive, he will create one. Dementia has interfered with his ability to follow through with all the tasks he previously did. If the signals in his brain are scrambled, the output of his activities may also be scrambled. He is trying his best to ‘fix’ the ‘broken’ wastebasket and has dumped its entire contents on the floor. To an exhausted family member, this is just one more dementia ‘behaviour’ that doesn’t make any sense and has now created a mess to be cleaned up.
What George needs are activities that he can manage. Dementia has impacted his ability to do the same activities in the same way he did them 20 years ago, but it has not taken away his ability to do all activities. What George needs is someone who can customize familiar activities to match his current ability level. He needs someone else to break down an activity into individual tasks, and do only one small task at a time. George is still capable of doing many things. He needs direction and he needs cueing to successfully manage a sequence of complex activities.
George is bored. And when he is bored, his brain will create an activity to do. Even if the activity doesn’t make sense to someone else’s brain, even if the activity creates a mess or breaks something, or causes a disturbance, his brain is desperate for activity and stimulation. In the lack of meaningful stimulation, the brain will create its own entertainment.
The underlying cause of many so-called dementia ‘behaviours’ is boredom.
When someone with dementia is occupied with meaningful activities that create a sense of purpose and productivity, their ‘behaviours’ are often drastically reduced. Their need to be productive is met and they feel satisfied.
Providing meaningful activities for someone with dementia is one of the most effective ways to reduce undesired behaviours. It does not require medication changes and has no side effects. However, it can be incredibly time-consuming and does require an enormous amount of patience. Time and patience are two things that family caregivers often have in short supply—they’ve used up both!
Professional caregivers can fill the gap. Professional caregivers can take the abundant time and patience required to keep people like George engaged in meaningful activities. Caregivers help clients with dementia to connect to their passions and interests by making activities accessible. Caregivers modify activities to match their client’s ability level—that might be fluctuating by the day or by the hour—to ensure that activities are never too difficult or too easy and boring.
When people are enjoying hobbies that they love, and they are not frustrated or bored, their so-called behaviours are drastically reduced. What passions might we re-inspire in your loved one, to spark their desire for meaningful engagement and productivity?
Family caregiving is an honourable endeavour and can be intensely meaningful and fulfilling. But not all families are the same, and there are some situations where family caregiving for an elderly parent or relative may not be suitable.
In some situations, attempting to be a family caregiver can actually cause more upset to the overall family than enlisting external help. If there are tensions or divisions within a family, the added stress of family caregiving can cause a further divide. It is wise to step back and consider the whole family and the dynamics at play within your own personal family before attempting to take on family caregiving.
Here is a Top 5 list of situations when family caregiving may cause more strife than benefit.
1. Sibling Rivalry was Never Outgrown
Do you still squabble with your siblings as much as you did when you were children? No one can get your blood boiling as quickly as a sibling who can reignite decades of rivalry in one snide comment! If this is the dynamic you have with your siblings, then family caregiving will be a particular challenge.
Family caregiving can be challenging in and of itself; add sibling rivalry and the emotional toll just jumped to a whole new level. Siblings who exert more effort competing than cooperating will not likely set their personal issues aside and be completely agreeable over care for mom or dad.
When there are long-standing sibling rivalry issues it often ends up feeling as if you can’t do anything right.No matter which action you take, it is misinterpreted by your siblings. You provide hands-on care, it is criticized; you step back to allow your siblings the opportunity to participate, and you’re labelled as “uninvolved” or “being selfish”.With dynamics like this at play, involved family caregiving likely won’t heal sibling wounds. Rather, there is a great risk that the sibling divide deepens.
In family caregiving, the recipient of care—your elderly parent or grandparent—needs to be the focus. Sibling rivalry can’t continue to be the main issue at hand. Out of fairness to your elderly loved ones, you may want to enlist external support so that long-standing sibling rivalries don’t rear again over family care.
2. Your parent is intensely private or modest
Every family has different comfort levels around privacy and personal care. For someone who was intensely private and modest her entire life, she may find it terribly uncomfortable to have family or friends assist with personal care, such as bathing or toileting. An elderly mother may not wish to have her sons bathing her—and her sons are often even more uncomfortable with personal care than is she!
For these families, the kindest option is to have someone else provide personal care—someone who was not previously known to the elderly mother. This way, she can maintain her dignity and privacy in front of her sons, her daughters-in-law, and her friends. Receiving support from a caregiver whose role it is to provide personal care is exceedingly different than forgoing privacy and modesty in front of family and friends.
Some families are surprised to learn that their elderly fathers often have the same high threshold for privacy. People aren’t surprised to hear that an elderly mother does not prefer to be bathed by her sons; not everyone is aware that the inverse—a daughter bathing her father—is equally as uncomfortable in some families. It is less about gender and more about personal preference and maintaining dignity.
The role reversal between parents and children is a complex issue that is deeply personal. It is challenging enough when adult children are suddenly managing schedules and household needs; crossing into the realm of personal care can exacerbate the role reversal. For many elders, they feel that they are losing their last shred of dignity and decency if their adult children begin assisting with personal care such as bathing, toileting, or incontinence.
Family caregiving may be best provided in realms other than personal care in an effort to protect the privacy and dignity of elderly loved ones. Families can express their love and devotion and willingness to assist in a myriad of other caregiving capacities while leaving personal care to a professional.
3. Personality Clashes
Let’s face it—most families are not like the Brady Bunch. Not everyone gets along, and there are decades of history by the time caregiving for elderly family members arises. The elderly grandfather who suddenly needs assistance does not develop a new personality just because he suddenly requires care. If he was ornery his whole life, it is likely he will be ornery in his senior years too!
If he burned bridges with various family members in the past, it may be unrealistic to expect family members to set aside their grudges and hurt and begin family caregiving for Grandpa. In addition to past hurts that may be resurrected, those same family members are now exposed to a whole new host of potential personal insults.
In this case, the family are not in the best position to be caregivers. They are not as likely to be able to provide exceptional care because they are distracted by personal issues. Grandpa is also less likely to be a gracious recipient of care from family members with whom he is accustomed to being ornery. There is a better chance that Grandpa will actually be kinder and more satisfied receiving care from someone outside the family—someone with whom he does not have a long-established pattern of orneriness.
It may not even be something as notable as decades of family patterning. It may just be that parent and child have two different personalities or styles that clash in a caregiving situation. Perhaps an elderly father prefers to be very detailed, slow and meticulous, doing things in the particular way that he has always done. His adult daughter—who loves him dearly and is trying so hard to help—is fighting her natural tendency toward efficiency. She wants to accomplish tasks quickly since she is already torn between her demanding career and her own family waiting for her at home.
The father and daughter have different styles and different personality types—something that may have been complimentary at other stages in life. But when it comes to caregiving and ensuring that her father has the quality of life that he prefers at whatever pace is comfortable to him, his daughter would be well-advised to step back and allow a professional caregiver to assist her father in the way he needs. This way, when she does visit, the daughter will be able to relax and match her father’s pace because she won’t feel burdened by an overwhelming to-do list. The differences in their styles and personalities can be eased by a professional caregiver, rather than being exacerbated by family caregiving and creating family tensions where none need to exist.
4. You’re just not a caregiver at heart.
Truth be told, you’re just not the caregiving type. We can’t all be good at everything; being compassionate, gentle and patient just aren’t your top strengths. There’s a reason you didn’t become a nurse or an activities director at a retirement home. You know your strength, and it isn’t caregiving.
There’s no shame in acknowledging that you’re just not the right person for the job. Your strengths can be utilized in other ways to support your elderly loved one. Maybe you’re a numbers gal and you can ensure bills are paid and finances are up to date. Maybe you’re a handyman and you can take care of the house and property for your loved one. Those are important contributions.
But when it comes to personal care and more intimate needs, you would be wise to enlist the support of someone who is particularly compassionate, gentle and patient for the sake of your elderly loved one. They deserve the best and a trained caregiver can provide what you cannot.
Often people are thrust into a position of family caregiving; it’s not something for which they volunteered. It certainly isn’t something for which they’ve trained or been educated. Circumstance just places them in the role of “primary caregiver” and it’s a far bigger responsibility than they expected.
Elderly husbands are often the most stark examples. After being married for 60 years, the woman of the house develops Parkinson’s. The household had been her domain; work outside the home was her husband’s domain. They’re now retired and she is unable to do many of the tasks associated with maintaining a household. Her husband is inept with household tasks; in his 78 years, he has never been the primary cook or housekeeper. He’s at a complete loss. He doesn’t have the aptitude or the skill set to be a great caregiver. If left to muddle through on his own, it will be his wife who bears the brunt of it. His wife deserves professional care that will attend to all her needs and provide her with coping strategies for Parkinson’s. The couple deserves to maintain the lifestyle they have always known.
If someone is just not cut out to be a caregiver, it is wise to let them contribute in ways that suit their abilities while enlisting other caregiving support so that the person who needs assistance is not disadvantaged.
5. You don’t live locally or you travel frequently
Today’s families are more spread out geographically than ever before. Family members may be time zones apart, and visiting regularly just isn’t possible. When you do visit, you stay for a week at a time and try to get everything mom needs, but you’ve noticed that each time you visit, she needs a little more than last time. You feel bad that she’s on her own between your visits, and you worry about her more and more all the time.
It’s more than just stocking up on groceries and running errands. You want to know that mom has a reliable caregiver to accompany her to appointments since doctor’s appointments cannot always wait until you’re in town. Even keeping track of appointments has become overwhelming lately; having someone to help keep track of scheduling and appointments would be a welcome relief.
You want the best for your mother. She deserves consistent care that isn’t dependent upon your work schedule. You also want the peace of mind that someone is checking in on your mom, even when you are not in town.
If your family fits into any of these 5 categories, then family caregiving may not be advised. Family caregiving is highly stressful and involved in the best of situations, but if you add any of the above five elements, you may want to enlist some additional care for your ageing loved ones. The elderly loved one who requires care should remain at the centre of all decision making, rather than being distracted by the challenges that these 5 situations present.
It’s okay to admit that your family is better suited to enlisting caregiver support from outside the family. Doing so maybe just the thing your family needs to keep everyone sane and happy!
Family caregiving includes a broad scope of activities. It is not only hands-on personal care, though that can certainly be part of family caregiving. Also included are activities like driving to doctor’s appointments, running errands, cleaning the house, doing laundry, cooking meals, sorting the mail, paying bills, setting up appointments, etc. A primary family caregiver may not be doing all of these activities, but they may oversee the completion of these tasks and arrange to have assistance in these areas.
Family caregiving can also happen from a distance when family members are spread out across a province, or even across the continent. Although the caregiver is not physically present all of the time, they feel the primary responsibility for the care of their loved one, and so they are the advocate and spend many hours on the phone or on email arranging help across the country.
The role of the family caregiver can be incredibly exhausting and sometimes rather lonely. People often do not know where to turn for assistance and attempt to manage everything on their own.
Often, this may not be a realistic goal as the care of their loved one may be too demanding for any individual to take on single-handedly, and so to preserve the health and mental wellness of everyone involved, it may be best to enlist the help of others—be it other family and friends, the LHIN, or a private agency. To advocate for the health and wellness of family caregivers (who are often too busy advocating for their loved one to speak for themselves!), we at Warm Embrace Elder Care have provided a Family Caregiver Bill of Rights.
FAMILY CAREGIVER BILL OF RIGHTS: I HAVE THE RIGHT…
To take care of myself. This is not an act of selfishness. It will give me the capability of taking better care of my loved one.
To seek help from others even though my relatives may object. I recognize the limits of my own endurance and strength.
To maintain facets of my own life that do not include the person I care for, just as I would if he or she were healthy. I know that I do everything that I reasonably can for this person, and I have the right to do some things just for myself.
To get angry, be depressed, and express other difficult feelings occasionally.
To reject any attempts by my loved one (either conscious or unconscious) to manipulate me through guilt, and/or depression.
To receive consideration, affection, forgiveness, and acceptance for what I do from my loved one, for as long as I offer these qualities in return.
To take pride in what I am accomplishing and to applaud the courage it has sometimes taken to meet the needs of my loved one.
To protect my individuality and my right to make a life for myself that will sustain me in the time when my loved one no longer needs my full-time help.
To expect and demand that as new strides are made in finding resources to aid physically and mentally impaired persons in our country, similar strides will be made towards aiding and supporting Caregivers.
Family caregiving is an immense responsibility at the best of times. When a health crisis occurs, a family can feel that they’re in over their heads. Families need caregiving support during crisis more than ever.
At one time, it felt manageable to assist your mother in remaining in her own home. Sure, some weeks were a little more hectic than others, but on the whole, you were managing. Then she fell.
You’re not too sure how long she was on the floor before you discovered her; she was pretty disoriented and doesn’t recall the circumstances surrounding her fall. She was rushed to the hospital and you’ve been visiting her daily. She’s still quite confused and you’re not sure she’d eat anything at mealtime in the hospital without you there to unpackage the food and insist on every bite.
It was fine for the first few days, but your mother isn’t doing as well as you’d hoped and it’s evident she won’t be discharged any time soon. The daily visiting routine you started just isn’t sustainable—especially if your mother goes to Freeport for rehab as the discharge planners are now talking about.
Visiting daily in the hospital is certainly not sustainable long term, and even more overwhelming is the question of how much assistance your mother will need when she does return home, whenever that might be.
Warm Embrace caregivers serve clients wherever they need us most, including in the hospital. Our caregivers can provide daily visits that cover meal times to ensure your mother eats her meals. Between meals we’ll visit with her, enjoying conversation and keeping her mind active and engaged.
If her next move is to Freeport, our Caregivers can continue visiting her there while she recovers. Best of all, when it comes time for discharge, you won’t have to panic. You’ll already have the care in place and ready to go.
The caregivers who have already met your mother and grown to love her can now help her to transition home. The crisis situation of a fall and a fractured hip is much less stressful when you have reliable care that will help you through each stage of the journey.
Instead of feeling like you’re in over your head, you can feel relaxed and at ease knowing that experienced professionals have everything under control.
When you think of family caregiving which words come to mind?
What creates the difference between the first column experience and the second column? How can family caregiving be both frustrating but joyful, a burden and a blessing?
Here are 4 survival tips to take your family caregiving experience away from the first column and into the second column.
1. Take care of yourself
It may sound trite, but self-care is crucial. If you don’t care for yourself, you’ll have nothing left over to give to anyone else. You need to allow yourself time to refuel. How you re-energize will be unique to you; there is no right or wrong answer. Maybe you exercise, or enjoy dinner out, or attend a rock concert, or read a book, or travel. It doesn’t matter what you choose to do; it matters that you take time for yourself and prioritize your own self-care.
2. Allow yourself to be “off-duty”
It is not reasonable to expect yourself—or anyone else for that matter—to work or be on-call 24/7. And yet, when in the midst of family caregiving, people often hold themselves to an unrealistic standard of doing it all, all of the time. You need time when you are not “on-call”.
This includes elderly spouses who have assumed the caregiver role and who live together. It can be tough for the caregiving partner to feel “off-duty” when they are at home together with their partner who requires care. Respite care is critical to help both halves of a couple remain healthy—both physically and mentally.
Feeling “off-duty” also applies to family members who are receiving constant phone calls from their elderly loved one. They need time when they can turn off the ringer and not field any phone calls—a timeframe when they are “off-duty” from repeated calls.
3. Enlist support before a crisis emerges
All too often people will say: “Dad won’t accept help from anyone else, so I have no choice!” Then a crisis occurs and it is Dad who has no choice—he must accept help from another source because you, the family caregiver, are now experiencing your own health issue related to burn out. Sure enough, Dad does accept the help, although it might have been a smoother introduction to care had it not been a crisis situation.
It will be a kinder transition for your father to accept outside support in a graduated care plan, rather than abruptly. With advance notice and the luxury of time, caregivers can be selected to match your father’s personality and preferences. In a crisis situation, you might have no choice but to get a caregiver—any caregiver—in place the same day. A more ideal match could have been made with advance planning.
Best of all, your burnout can be prevented in the first place! It is far easier to prevent burnout by providing support early on than it is to recover after burnout has occurred.
4. Protect Family Roles and Relationships
Caregiving can upset the long-ingrained roles and family dynamics. A husband who is suddenly thrust into the position of caring for his wife may feel ill-equipped for the role of the family caregiver. He doesn’t feel like a husband. . . he feels like a caregiver. And she doesn’t feel like a wife. . . she feels like a patient. Their interaction as husband and wife has been interrupted and they begin to interact as patient and caregiver, which may start to stress their marriage.
It is important that key family roles and relationships are preserved. That couple needs to continue to feel like a married couple. A parent and child need to preserve their mother-son relationship. It may be best to let certain elements be provided by a professional caregiver so the family relationships can remain intact.
Family caregivers are SO important to the health and well-being of their loved ones. It is crucial that their health and sanity is protected. If the family caregiver burns out, then there are two people requiring care!
The only way to survive family caregiving and find the positive is to take care of yourself, have time that you are “off-duty”, get help in place before it’s too late, and aim to protect family roles and relationships for as long as possible.
Homecare can be defined pretty broadly and mean different things to different people. To some, it might mean dropping in to check on someone for 5 or 10 mins, for someone else it could be 24/7 care in someone’s home. It could be just about anything in between!
To ensure that our clients receive the best possible service, we have placed parameters around the type of service we can offer to ensure top quality. Here at Warm Embrace, the minimum visit length we offer is three hours. We have set this minimum to ensure that we are fulfilling our mission and our philosophy of care.
Within the context of homecare, where an elderly client is living in their own home, apartment or condo, there are some additional reasons why the three-hour minimum is necessary.
Have you ever dropped by your elderly parents’ home with the intent of staying for a half hour visit? How did that turn out? I’m willing to bet that you stayed much longer than just 30 minutes! Why is that?
I’m guessing that by the time you got in the door and settled, got caught up with some friendly chit-chat and had a coffee, you were already at the 30-minute mark. Just as you were thinking you would head out the door, your mother mentioned a new symptom that’s bothering her. You discussed that and tried to track down whether a doctor’s appointment had been made since your mother couldn’t remember. Then your father mentioned that the microwave wasn’t working properly so they weren’t sure what they were going to have for dinner. The next thing you know, you’re busy making dinner for them and your quick 30-minute drop-in lasted a few hours.
Of course, your parents tend to stock-pile all the issues until you arrive. Then it takes longer to address everything. The same is true for our visits. Clients may save up the dishes and the housekeeping and laundry pile up. The items you plan in advance that you figure might take an hour or so end up taking much longer when the list keeps growing!
It’s not just about tasks; it’s also about pacing.
If you personally have a doctor’s appointment at 11 am, how much time do you allow yourself to get showered, dressed, ready and out the door? Now, what if your parents have a doctor’s appointment at 11 am? It takes a lot more time since every step in the process needs to be adjusted to allow the extra time they may require or prefer.
It likely takes much longer for them to manage to get in and out of the shower. Selecting an outfit and dressing likely takes longer, as does personal grooming and other morning routines. Physically getting into and out of the car may take longer, and your parents may prefer to be at the appointment 20 minutes early instead of arriving just on time. . .despite the fact that the doctor is always behind schedule and you know you’ll end up waiting anyway!
Out of respect for your parents, we allow significant time for outings to ensure that we can match their preferred pace, not our preferred pace. We know that each stage will take much longer and that we need to allow lots of extra time should something unexpected arise. If we’re just getting your parents settled in the car and your mother suddenly needs the washroom once more before leaving, we need to have allowed lots of extra time to deal with the (somewhat) unexpected. For your parents’ sake, we would never attempt to accomplish an outing in only an hour long shift. Part of providing dignified care is allowing sufficient time for outings and errands and matching your parents’ pace, not necessarily just focusing on fastest efficiency. It takes time to do things well and the minimum time we need to ensure top quality is three hours.
Granting your parents the dignity of matching their preferred pace, ensuring that we have extra time built in for the unexpected, and knowing that they may have a stockpiled list ready for our arrival are all part of how we plan in advance to meet your parents’ needs.
Relationships are about so much more than speed and efficiency; your parents will thrive from the attention they receive from a wonderful caregiver who takes the time to appreciate them for who they are and who gets to know them on a personal level without rushing.
Are you doing everything for your elderly parents?
Thursday, January 24, 2019
You’ve been managing your own household, your parents’ household and now your in-laws need some help too. You already feel stretched too thin, and your parents’ needs keep increasing. You need homecare support for your parents, but they refuse to even consider it.
Your father says he “doesn’t need a babysitter” and your mother declares that she can “do everything just fine myself”. And by that, what she really means is that you are doing everything just fine for them!
Your parents think they’re managing just fine because you’re filling in all the gaps. They don’t realize just how much you’re doing. They just benefit from the fact that everything gets done.
For years, you’ve been trying to follow your parent’s wishes. You respect their decisions and do your best to help support them in those decisions. They keep saying they don’t want or need any help and you’ve been trying to respect it.
The problem is, they not only need the help, but they are also already receiving help. The help is coming from you, and it’s now more than you can manage on your own. It is okay to acknowledge that you can no longer provide all the assistance that they need. You aren’t failing to respect their decision, you are making a decision that is necessary for your own health and wellness.
You can explain to your parents what you are able to do, and outline the tasks that are now becoming too much. You can outline options for how your parents can fill the remaining gaps and empower them to make a decision that best suits their needs. For example, you are willing to do the weekly grocery shopping and visit with your parents after putting all the groceries away, but it is no longer feasible for you to be cooking dinner for them every day.
You can then outline meal options for them. They could order Meals on Wheels or another meal delivery service. They could move into a retirement home where meals are provided. They can have a caregiver cook meals together with them in their own kitchen, using their own preferred recipes.
You can help outline the pros and cons of each option, and how each option would fit into their lifestyle.
Stepping back and acknowledging what you need for yourself does not take away your parents’ ability to make their own decision. It just eliminates one of the options from the list—the option of you cooking the meals daily.
As long as you continue to be the primary option, as long as you continue to cook dinner daily, your parents will not seriously consider any other option on the list. You need to clearly articulate what you can and cannot do, and then guide your parents through the decision making process about how to solve the remaining gaps.
Homecare can address many of those gaps and provide the individualized attention and assistance they are accustomed to receiving. Homecare is not always just about the senior client; it is often about alleviating family members who have been doing far more than is sustainable.
A wonderful caregiver—or team of caregivers—can take care of your parents’ to-do list so that it doesn’t all fall on your shoulders.
For many people, the holidays can be hard enough as it is. But if you have lost a loved one in the past year(s), then this holiday season might be particularly difficult.
Somehow, the month of December manages to spiral out of control. A calendar goes from being reasonable to a little busy, and then to being completely chaotic, and you’re not even sure how it happened! This is the year to eliminate the stress of all those commitments.
Below are the top 5 strategies to help you survive this season.
1. AVOID COMMITMENTS
Decline invitations for events that aren't particularly meaningful for you personally. For invitations that you would like to accept, only make conditional acceptances—you will attend IF you are feeling well that day, and don't commit to bringing or contributing anything.
Schedule personal time for yourself. You will need periods of personal rejuvenation to give you the strength to socialize. Grief is a roller-coaster and unfortunately, you cannot predict when you will feel like socializing, and when you would prefer to be alone. Grant yourself the freedom to make last minute decisions based on how you are feeling at the moment, rather than feeling locked into any specific commitment.
2. REDUCE DECISION-MAKING
You may feel like you are in a fog; everything is cloudy. Even simple decisions have become laborious. The holiday season is full of decisions to be made. This year, offer yourself the relief of reducing as many of those decisions as possible. Ask a trusted loved one to help you with decisions, or remove yourself from stressful situations that require decision making.
Avoid shopping. Shopping is rife with decisions—from the moment you arrive at the mall and need to find a parking space to the point where you’re selecting a check-out lane, you are forced to make decisions that are exhausting. It's okay to take a year off from gift giving. Selecting gifts (even when shopping online), can seem unbearably overwhelming. Maybe you’d like to give gifts at a different time during the year when you don’t feel as stressed.
Even the small decisions add up. Decisions that seem inconsequential —which wrapping paper to use, where to string lights, red sprinkles or green—can begin to accumulate and feel overwhelming. By eliminating as many of these details as possible, you will be reserving your strength for the more important elements like seeing people who are important to you and allowing yourself to heal as you grieve.
The people who love you most will understand and they will likely be relieved to know that you are sparing yourself the stress of shopping and wrapping. They will feel honoured that you trust them to understand.
3. ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR EMOTIONS
This holiday season needs to be about you and the others most affected by your loss. Remember—it is okay to cry. It is okay to not be as merry or joyful as others around you. Acknowledge to yourself how you are truly feeling at a given moment, and grant yourself the freedom to react to those feelings in whatever way you need.
Crying is allowed, even at happy moments. You will not ruin the holidays for anyone else by shedding tears. Smiling and laughing are also allowed. You may feel moments of joy or happiness; enjoy those moments and savour them. You don't need to feel guilty for having happy or sad moments.
You might discover that there are certain times of the day or week that are particularly difficult for you. Allow yourself the freedom to take that time as personal grieving time, and let others know that those times are challenging for you. Your feelings will fluctuate, and that is expected. Acknowledging those feelings and allowing yourself to experience the range of emotions will assist you in your journey of healing.
4. ENLIST THE HELP OF OTHERS
Enlist the help of others, both for holiday-specific tasks, and just daily living tasks. Delegate anything you can—grocery shopping, cleaning, running errands, cooking, etc. Others may offer to help, but they don’t know what to do specifically.
It may also be helpful to let others know how you are feeling so that they don’t inadvertently pressure you. Let others know about your preferences. Family and friends will not know if you prefer to do holidays exactly as you previously did, or if you want everything to be different. Either option is perfectly fine, just let others know what is best for you this year.
5. HONOUR YOUR LOVED ONE
It's important that you acknowledge the loved one who has passed away in a way that is meaningful to you. There are countless ways to do this, and they can be as unique as you and your connection to your loved one. Select something that is meaningful to you.
For instance, incorporate parts of traditions that were meaningful to your loved one—favourite foods or music or decorations. Create new traditions that include elements of your loved one’s personality or values. Light special candles, hang a meaningful ornament, play an important song, watch a favourite movie.
If you’re ready, you might decide to look through photo albums, create a scrapbook, read/write letters, etc. Create something tangible in honour of your loved one—sew a quilt, paint, write poetry, carve wood, weld metal, blow glass, whatever your medium is you can create an expression of love.
Honouring your loved one may take many different forms and may change from year to year. The important part is that you and your family always know that your loved one was—and still is—a vital member of your family.
Grief is a journey. It is not a race. It cannot be fast-forwarded or skipped. Although you may be comforted in knowing that your loved one is in a better place, that does not take away your pain. Your grief demonstrates the love you had for that person, and the way you grieve will be unique—just like your relationship with that person was unique. Although the journey is difficult with many ups and downs, it is a healing process.
May you find peace and comfort this holiday season as you respect your own personal needs and honour the person you miss so dearly.