Aged to Perfection

Managing your own household is already a full-time job. Add to that the responsibility of overseeing your parents' household, and now your in-laws need some help too. It's no wonder you feel stretched too thin. As your parents' needs continue to increase, you find yourself in a difficult position: you need homecare support for them, but they refuse to even consider it.

Your father insists he "doesn't need a babysitter," and your mother claims she can "do everything just fine myself." What she really means is that you are doing everything just fine for them. Your parents believe they are managing well because you are filling in all the gaps. They don't realize the extent of your efforts; they simply benefit from the fact that everything gets done.

For years, you've respected your parents' wishes, supporting them in their decisions and doing your best to help. They keep saying they don't want or need any help, and you've tried to honor that. However, the reality is that they do need help, and they are already receiving it—from you. The burden has become more than you can manage on your own, and it's time to acknowledge that you can no longer provide all the assistance they need. This isn't about failing to respect their decisions; it's about making a necessary choice for your own health and wellness.

It's time to have an honest conversation with your parents. Explain what you are able to do and outline the tasks that are becoming too much. Empower them to make decisions that best suit their needs by presenting options to fill the remaining gaps. For example, you might be willing to do the weekly grocery shopping and visit with your parents after putting everything away, but cooking dinner for them every day is no longer feasible.

Here are some meal options to consider:

1. Meals on Wheels or another meal delivery service: Convenient and nutritious meals delivered right to their door. Our caregivers can help by encouraging your parents to eat these meals by warming it up for them.
2. Retirement home: A community where meals are provided, along with other amenities and social opportunities. Our caregiving team can help your loved one to and from the dining room, helping them navigate their new environment
3. Caregiver assistance at home: A caregiver can cook meals together with your parents in their own kitchen, using their preferred recipes. There's nothing like a home cooked meal! Our caregivers can ensure your mom or dad gets a home cooked meal just the way they like. 

Outline the pros and cons of each option above and how they would fit into your parents' lifestyle. Stepping back and acknowledging your own needs doesn't take away your parents' ability to make their own decisions. It simply removes one option from the list—the option of you cooking meals daily.

As long as you continue to be the primary option, your parents won't seriously consider any other alternatives. Clearly articulate what you can and cannot do, and guide your parents through the decision-making process to address the remaining gaps. Setting boundaries for your well-being is important. 

Homecare can address many of these gaps, providing the individualized attention and assistance your parents are accustomed to receiving. Homecare isn't just about the senior client; it's also about alleviating the burden on family members who have been doing far more than is sustainable. A wonderful caregiver—or team of caregivers—can take care of your parents' to-do list, ensuring that the responsibility doesn't all fall on your shoulders.

Warm sunny weather brings more summer driving!

Driving is a very personal issue that involves strong emotions. For many seniors, driving is a privilege they’ve had for decades, and their personal sense of identity and independence is often linked to their ability to drive. When driving seems so second nature, it can be difficult for people to remember that driving is truly a privilege, not a right.

So, when is it time to give up the privilege of driving?

Oftentimes, the person with dementia is the least aware that anything is wrong. They may not notice that their reaction time has changed, or that their judgment is off. The family are often the first ones to be concerned about driving, and rightfully so, as research shows that someone with dementia is eight times more likely to be in an accident than the average population.

Some warning signs to watch for if you have an elderly relative who is driving with dementia:

• Damage to the car
• Traffic tickets
• Difficulty navigating familiar routes
• Simple errands taking hours longer than necessary with no explanation
• Mixing up the gas and brake pedals
• Missing stop signs or traffic lights
• Problems with lane changes and merging
• Passenger input is required
• Family refuse to get into the car

Consider the “grandchild question”: do you feel comfortable allowing the grandchildren to ride with their grandparent behind the wheel? If your answer is no, there are likely significant concerns about your loved ones’ driving ability.

If you are concerned about your loved one's driving, you need to speak to their doctor. It is ideal to attend a doctor’s visit with your loved one; you may also write letters to inform the doctor of the changes your loved one is experiencing.

The family doctor is required to notify the Ministry of Transportation, and it is the MTO who will revoke the licence (not the family doctor). After being notified by the family doctor, the MTO will send a letter directly to your loved one (not to the family doctor). The letter will state whether they may continue to drive, they need an assessment, more medical evidence is required, or the licence is revoked.

What happens when their licence is revoked?

If the licence is revoked, it is HIGHLY advised that your loved one’s car be removed from the property. Someone with dementia may forget that they are not allowed to drive. Disabling the vehicle is an option, though it is remarkable how handy and mechanically-minded many seniors from that generation can be, so the simple options of unplugging the spark plugs or draining the battery may be insufficient. The most ideal solution is to have the vehicle removed from the property altogether to ensure that your loved one is safe, and to ensure that others are safe as well.

It is important to understand how devastating the loss of a licence can be for many seniors. It can result in loss of independence, reduced social interaction, loneliness, lowered self-esteem, depression, and increased stress on family and friends. For all of these reasons, family doctors do not just send letters to the MTO easily; they must have concrete evidence of imminent safety concerns. To minimize the negative impact of losing a licence, family and friends can assist by providing alternate means of transportation and socialization.

There are volunteer driving services that can be accessed through your local community centres or the Alzheimer’s Society. Taxi companies are often able to offer discounts to “frequent riders”. However, if your loved one is uncomfortable with public transportation, we offer driving services to help isolated seniors with grocery shopping, doctor appointments, personal appointments, and etc.  

If you are interested in learning more about our errands and transportation service contact us today!