Aged to Perfection

Violet and Lawrence have been married for 68 years. After a lifetime of hard work, travelling through early retirement and most recently relaxing in retirement living together, they are now separated.  Lawrence’s dementia progressed and he began wandering at night. He could no longer be safely cared for in retirement, and he moved to long term care.

Violet had been very physically healthy and she had been caring for Lawrence for years within the retirement home where, together with staff, she could handle his needs. But once he began exit seeking and leaving in the night, even Violet had to admit she couldn’t manage his needs safely. 

It ripped her heart out to have him move to another location across town.

Now, Violet attempts to visit most days.  She wasn’t a confident driver, to begin with, but she is attempting to drive across town every day and stay with Lawrence throughout the afternoon and dinner.

She fears that he won’t eat unless she is at his side, so she remains for both lunch and dinner. She worries about how she will visit every day when the winter weather begins. She never drove in the winter and at 89, she isn’t keen to start winter driving.

You can see the toll it is taking on Violet. She appears to be withering before your eyes. She has lost weight and she looks exhausted. She suddenly strikes you as rather frail. She is probably stretching herself too thin, but she wants someone to be with Lawrence through lunch and dinner.

Violet needs Warm Embrace to provide a caregiver for Lawrence.  A Warm Embrace caregiver could visit Lawrence through lunch and dinner and keep him engaged in activities throughout the afternoon.  Of course, we can’t replace Violet’s visits, but we can supplement her visits.

We can provide a regular schedule so that Violet does not feel obliged to visit every day. She can take some much-needed time to relax and rejuvenate herself.

Warm Embrace caregivers can visit Lawrence on set days of the week, and on those days, Violet can remain at the retirement residence, eating her meals in the dining room with her friends.

She can rejoin the social activities and events that she participated in for all those years and not become disconnected from her peer group. But she can do so with the reassurance that Lawrence is not alone. He is with a dedicated caregiver who will ensure that he has the best afternoon possible.

By recommending additional support for Lawrence, you may actually be saving Violet’s health. She needs the support—possibly more than Lawrence does—and your recommendation to alleviate her stress could make the difference for Violet.

We’d be happy to improve the quality of life for each of them by providing a dedicated caregiver when they need it most. Reach out to us today!

The holiday season has busy and joyful energy to it.  It often feels like there’s a buzz in the air where everyone is rushing somewhere or hurrying to do something.

Many people with dementia are sensitive to the energy and emotional state of those around them. They will often pick up on this energy of hurrying and they may want to help. They’ll want to join in the activity and be part of the buzz of energy.

Human nature desires a sense of purpose.

We want to feel productive and we want to provide meaningful contributions.  This sense of wanting to contribute and be helpful and productive is not impacted by many forms of dementia, so people very much want to be involved and be helpful. When someone with dementia can sense that everyone else around them is hurrying to complete tasks, they will want to join in and assist too.

If someone’s functioning level has been impacted, it may be difficult for them to contribute in the ways they did previously.  In the past, your father may have gone to select a Christmas tree and cut it down himself, then tie it to the roof rack, drive home, and set the tree up. That may no longer be possible for him to do entirely on his own. Perhaps he doesn’t drive anymore; perhaps his physical strength or sense of direction is impaired.

Even though he cannot complete the task in full, is there a way that he can still be involved in the process?  Can he be part of the trip to select the tree? Can he manage some of the cutting? Or hold the tree steady while a grandson saws away?  Continuing to involve him in the process will be important to his sense of self-esteem and his need to feel productive. 

Many forms of dementia interfere with the brain’s ability to sequence an activity. 

Many tasks are actually a series of separate, smaller tasks that must be done in a particular order.  Baking, for example, involves many separate tasks that are all sequenced in the right order. Perhaps your mother-in-law baked countless cookies and squares during the holiday season. Now, she makes toast and tea, but not much more. Expecting that she can bake a dozen varieties of cookies is not reasonable, but involving her in a few favourite recipes will help her to shine.

When approaching a complex task like baking, break down each step into a separate task. If there are any tasks that can be a stand-alone job, get your mother-in-law to be in charge of that step. Maybe the walnuts need to be crushed for one recipe. You can get your mother-in-law set up crushing walnuts. It may be faster to do it yourself or tempting to use the electric food processor, but the purpose isn’t to be fast and efficient.

The purpose is to involve your mother-in-law in the traditions that she founded.  It’s pretty likely that she didn’t have an electric food processor when she first started baking that recipe.  Breaking the walnuts by hand is likely a familiar task from years gone by and something which she can feel successful contributing.

All too often, someone with dementia will say “what can I do?” or perhaps “I don’t know what to do…” and well-meaning family members will respond “you don’t have to do anything! You just relax and sit over here.”  In some cases, if someone is overstimulated and needs a break, that might be the kindest option. But in most instances, the person with dementia is genuinely reaching out and wanting to feel productive by contributing something meaningful to all that is going on around them.  By finding a task that matches their ability level, you are helping to meet that fundamental human need for productivity.

Remember that the task might not be about doing. It might be more about being—being close to you, being part of the action, being a contributing family member.  If many tasks are just too difficult or overwhelming, perhaps they can be involved in a being type of way.

Maybe the dog is overly excited by all of the activity and you can ask your father to hold the dog on his lap and pet the dog to keep him calm.  He is being a comfort to the dog…or perhaps the dog is a comfort to him, but either way, they are both content.

Perhaps you’re wrapping presents and the roll of tape keeps disappearing under all the wrapping paper and boxes. Your mother-in-law might like to be the keeper of the tape as you’re wrapping. She’s right there with you and she’s involved in her own way. You may even get to chuckle about how you lose the tape and she’s keeping you on track.

It may take more effort on your part, and it will definitely take more time and some creativity to find tasks that match ability levels and provide meaningful contributions, but the rewards will almost certainly be worth it!